I’ve tried to shy away from political endorsements on the blog, but in the face of increasing voter apathy, I think it’s time to release a Kraken or two.
To that end, I would like to propose two candidates for the office of Mayor.
Please note that I would only recommend voting for one of these candidates. I think you can guess which one I’d pick.
Candidate 1: Frankenlouie
With Paul Clancy’s impending retirement, the City Council is desperately in need of an elder statesman.
And who better to fit into that role than a 70-year-old [in cat years], two-faced [insert politician joke here] cat?
The real question is not whether a feline is eligible to be elected to the Council, nor whether the feline in question even lives in Worcester.
It’s really whether someone named “Frankenlouie” could actually win an election. At minimum, you need an Irish last name.
So — I’d recommend Frankenlouie do a quick name change to Janus O’Rourke. Add a few stars to some campaign signage (including the all-important star-as-an-apostrophe usage) and you’ve got a winner!
Added incentive: the video broadcast of every City Council meeting would need to contain the words “Caution: This Program Contains Material That Could Be Disturbing To Some Viewers” before the beginning of the program and before every commercial break.
Of course, that disclaimer should appear before every City Council meeting, but a two-faced cat would give us the necessary excuse.
(And, yes, you read that right — commercial breaks. If we had a two-faced cat for Mayor, people would be beating down the door, and we’d have enough folks willing to watch that we could charge admission.)
Candidate 2: The Research Bureau
The most curious part of the Worcester election cycle has got to be the Research Bureau’s questions for candidates. Yes, the Research Bureau asks candidates questions…and then answers them for us!
So let’s just cut out the middleman. If the Research Bureau is already answering questions for candidates, and seems to be driving much of the worst parts of public policy, why not just elect it Mayor?
Where else can you get a candidate so out of touch with reality it can say the following without a little smiley face at the end:
“Worcester Airport lacks many features typically associated with a major commercial air service provider, such as more runways, longer runways, and a covered parking garage.”
AND PLANES! Let’s not forget the one feature that actually attracts customers!
Where else could you find a candidate so boldly anti-union that it could easily attract at least 33% of telegram.commenters?
Where else could you find a candidate who recommends a program like Teach for America (saying, among other things, that it “emphasizes diversity in race … in its recruitment policies”) without noting that 80% of TfA teachers leave after just three years, and that 65% of its teachers are white?
Where else but Worcester?