My modem died right after the Telegram paywall went up; I ended up missing a back-and-forth discussion about it, and I like to think that I could have had something positive to contribute.  But, really, all I would have done is come up with silly ideas for new features.

Here they are, a few days late:

1) I was going to suggest that Albert Southwick sex up his column, but he’s already done that.  Can I recommend Grover Cleveland’s sex scandals for next week’s column?  (Actually, I’m serious about that.  Grover Cleveland Sex Scandal would be a great band name as well.)

2) Robert Z. Nemeth needs to do an about-face on his column topics.  Does anyone really want to read his opinions about NYT faux-trend pieces published a couple of months ago?  Of course not! 

Take a note from the most-talked about columnist in town (initials: RT) and spin a web of city politics, your personal life, and having your website taken over by a garage owner into what could be the most unusual column ever written for a Sunday paper.  I think a column that combines descriptions of various ex-girlfriends’ physical characteristics with a rehash of the Research Bureau’s line on most civic issues would be a pretty accurate depiction of life in Worcester.

3) I also foresee a possible collaboration between the web staff and Nick K. immediately before every City Council meeting.  Nick can tap into his inner Joan Rivers (or Steve Kmetko) and host T&G Live From the Red Carpet: Special City Hall Coverage every Tuesday night.

The vast majority of Worcester residents care nothing about what goes on at any given City Council meeting.  They might, however, care if the color of Phil Palmieri’s tie determined how long he might talk during a meeting.  Does Paul Clancy do something special to keep those blazer buttons so shiny?  Who makes Kate Toomey’s eyeglasses?  Konnie, is that a Le Suit or Kasper?

Trust me, all of this is more interesting and more relevant than most of the content of the meetings.

4) I’d also like to see choose-your-own-adventure editorials.  All roads would lead to some exasperated grunts and a couple more grey hairs on my head.

Because Victor’s blog has guilted me into saying what I liked about the Telegram today, I feel somewhat obligated to say that this is the kind of article I like to read.  Just in case you were wondering.  And I think I can speak for a good portion of humanity — hipsters and non-hipsters alike — when I say that there is no shame in liking (or even loving) Huey Lewis, but that Starship is something you should only listen to when Metal Machine Music is unavailable.